The many faces of grief
We all process emotions differently
I froze when I heard the words from my husband. My mother-in-law had passed away. A moment later the brain kicked in. The children and I rushed to the hospital. I felt numb and mechanical, the emotions held in check. Then I saw her. A couple of tears spilled but emotions were not allowed free reign. I felt like I needed to take care of the tasks at hand. Other family members were either being stoic, crying, or trying to make sense of the timeline of events.
It was clear — we all needed time and space to acknowledge the loss in our own way!
According to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, in her book “On Death and Dying” (1969), “It is very important to understand that grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. It is the price of love.”
Grief is personal. Our own reaction to it may be a surprise even to us.
Individuals can feel a wide range of emotions while grieving such as sadness, anger, guilt, and despair. What they display externally may not accurately present their internal state. That is why the coping mechanisms for dealing with loss can vary hugely. Some common ways include:
- Reflective Communication: Sharing memories and feelings about the deceased in a reflective manner with trusted individuals can be cathartic. This process of verbalizing grief can help in understanding and processing emotions.
- Holistic Self-Care: Adopting a holistic approach to self-care, which includes activities like mindfulness practices, balanced nutrition, and adequate rest, is vital. This comprehensive self-care helps in maintaining physical and mental well-being during the grieving process.
- Purposeful Remembrance: Finding ways to meaningfully remember the lost loved one, such as creating a legacy project or engaging in activities that were significant to them, can provide comfort and a sense of continuing bonds.
- Guided Therapeutic Support: Seeking structured guidance from professionals, such as therapists or counselors, can provide crucial support and coping strategies for dealing with complex emotions associated with grief.
- Community and Social Networks: Building or leaning on existing networks of support, including family, friends, or community groups, can offer emotional sustenance and a sense of belonging during difficult times.
- Creative Expression: Utilizing creative outlets like art, music, or writing as a means to express and process grief can be incredibly therapeutic, providing a way to externalize emotions and thoughts.
- Nature Connection: Engaging with the natural world, through activities like hiking, birdwatching, or simply spending time in green spaces, can be a source of comfort and a reminder of the ongoing cycle of life and renewal.
There is no right or wrong way to cope with the loss of a loved one. What works for one person may be different than what we want. Self-compassion and allowing ourselves time to grieve the way we want may be good to consider during this time.
What worked for our family was a 13-day mourning period performing the rituals with help from family and friends. Each ritual made the acceptance of the loss real. Remembering family and friends gave voice to the roiling emotions inside. Doing prayers gave solace to the heart. Finally, dispersion of the ashes gave a sense of finality. A six-week trip meeting uncles, aunts, cousins helped relive the good times. Distributing the possessions gave another sense of finality and peace. 2023 started with a new normal — missing a loved one but believing that she is at peace.
If you have lost a loved one, know that your feelings are normal and natural for you. If in doubt, overwhelmed, or not able to function with day-to-day life, seek help.
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